April 2005 Archives
April 29, 2005
Submitted by Sharon
Three Wishes
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath,
when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards
ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to
be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
! "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is
surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
Who said men don't have a sensitive side?
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely
packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf a ll the way along
the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection
of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she
decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite
impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each
other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman
rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?" The guy says.. .......
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Submitted by Melinda
The Sailor
"He certainly is," the captain said. This is the Aran Islands Ferry."
Nominated as the best short joke of the year:
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
Submitted by Donna
Senior Bus Trip
A senior citizens' group charters a bus from
As they entered
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.
The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it runs away."
Submitted by Gil (Spicy Man)
In a Lift
Submitted by Linnea
Submitted by Amy
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
Submitted by Marcia
Redneck Mailboxes
April 25, 2005
Submitted by Alfredo
I knew It!!!
Submitted by Sharon
Wife's Night Out
So,...Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing. You're okay with it because you get to watch sports all night. You hear her stumble into bed around 4. You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night. You are happy to see it all in one piece.
The ventriloquist and the blonde mc
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs. One night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts ranting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full
potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general. And all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells at him, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee."
LIQUOR WARNINGS
Liquor warnings; Of course this does not apply to you and me, but you may
want to pass this on to other people to warn them. Canadian liquor
manufacturers have accepted the Health Canada's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your ass kicked.
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye
reel gud..
Submitted by Lisa
Women's Thoughts on Men
Submitted by Gil
Jacuzzi Problem
I am really glad this hot
Virginia summer came to a close. Last spring I put in a Jacuzzi on the back deck. From that point on the neighbors thought they had an open invitation to use it whenever they pleased. The other night I was trying to enjoy my dinner while all the neighbors were in there making noise, and hollering at me to come and join them, as if they were inviting me to join them in my own hot tub. & nbsp;Last night I wanted to go to bed early, but they had my back yard light on, and were holding a party! "Come on in!" they hollered at me. Shit! I just wanted to get some shut-eye. I was about to say something hateful to them, but I said, No I'll be closing it up for winter soon and I don't want to offend them. Oh, well, guess I can tolerate it just a little bit longer. . . . . . . . . . . .
Missing Rooster
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in
Submitted by VJ
Signs
Submitted by Debbie M.
Why cyclists wear black pants
Submitted by Donna
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl .
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
The Knob
A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee...."
Senior Moments
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis."
Jesse Jackson in Hell
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . . . .
.
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Smart Dog
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds.
It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.
"Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the seat. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."
A Definite Definition
A teacher decides that she is going to teach
her second grade class a new word today.
She tells them that the word is "definitely"
and its meaning is "absolute, positive,
without a doubt." She asks the class if
anyone can think of a sentence with the word
in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back
raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely
blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good
sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and
sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red
and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone
else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes
the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and
sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely
clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises
his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."
Eye Test
Take this test for Cataracts.
I heard it has saved people from eye surgery. Regardless
if you already have had surgery, you should check yourself
at least every other month or so.
Do yourself a favor and take this simple vision test. It's an
early test for cataracts. It is simple to do and quick results.
Remember, cataracts know no age boundary. Young and
old can have this "preventable" eye disease.
When you've finished, send this on to those you care about!
Eye Test - Click here: http://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf
Submitted by Debby D.
WOMEN
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, her e's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us.
Some good ones
=======================================================
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out
line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when
the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and
asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it
be great if that happened more often?!!!
===========
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a
table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may
not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
================
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
====================
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed
her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front
pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his
credit card.
=======================
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.
=======================
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say? "
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean
to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he
has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but
you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse
on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to
his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever
made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might
be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what
I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."
Submitted by Melody
A Dog Walks into a Butcher Shop...
I wish my dog was this smart....
A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the
shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again.
So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He
takes the note, and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of
lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher
looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten pound note there. So
he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing
it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's
close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog.
So off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing.
The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he
waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he
walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. T he
dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The
butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and
then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog
walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his
seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number,
notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now
open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog
looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front
of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the
bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog
turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on
the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and
throws himself -Whap!- a gainst the door. He goes back down the path,
runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again.
There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path,
jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the
garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several
times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying
into the dog. Yelling and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and
stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? That dog is a genius. He
could be on TV, for heaven's sake!", to which the guy responds,
"Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week that he's
forgotten his key."
Submitted by Debbie H.
Love vs. Spanking
Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."
One that I found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.
I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
It's very effective!
Submitted by Cheryl
TRY THIS:
- Enter MEXICO illegally. Never mind immigration quotas,
visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
- Once there, demand that the local government provide
free medical care for you and your entire family.
- Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
- Demand free bilingual local government forms,
bulletins, etc., and procreate abundantly.
- Deflect any criticism of this allegedly
irresponsiblereproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural
United States thing. You would not understand, pal."
- Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from
your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on
your car bumper.
- Speak only English at home and in public, and insist
that your children do likewise.
- Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school
system.
- Demand a local Mexican driver's license. This will
afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your
unauthorized, legal presence in Mexico.
- Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English
to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time or wind
up dead, because it will never happen. It will not happen in Mexico
or any other country in the world... except right here in the
United States -- land of the naive!
Submitted by Ruthie
What's a SOB?
Submitted by Linnea
Piercings
Son of a What?
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling. The birch says, woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell
if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither
a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of
ash I have ever put my pecker in."
April 11, 2005
Submitted by Jan
Grandpa
A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
The little boy answered, "No, Grandpa. It`s just a little pecker!"
Grandpa said, "Then you`re not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
The little boy answered "no," again.
Grandpa said, "Then you`re not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa asked,"Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!"
The boy replied, "Then go f*** yourself! Grandma made these for me."
Submitted by VJ
401-Keg Plan
30 THINGS STRESSED WOMEN MAY SAY AT WORK
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you
haven't gone to sleep yet!
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?
Submitted by Marcia
Potentially Vs. Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars; and then, ask your
brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and
tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We
could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a
great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars.............. but Realistically,......... we're living with
two sluts and a queer.
Just in---
Camilla says that she is delighted to be getting married to Prince Charles, but has declined the Queen's offer of a weekend in Paris with car and driver...
Submitted by Sharon
The Pharmacist
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Gas Prices
Submitted by Rosalie
A Wish for All the Difficult People in Your Life
Submitted by Eleanor
Men are Like Deck of Cards
April 8, 2005
Submitted by VJ
Submitted by Sharon
The Mailman...
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his
usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars
were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,
coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,"
the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it
Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00
am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the
neighborhood over for New Year's Cheer and it got a bit wild.
Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO
AM I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Well,
all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up
four or five times."
Mergers
For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/K-Mart wedding, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the near future:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.
Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace
2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner, Cracker
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: KnottNOW!
Submitted by Alfredo
Black Eye Cure
That while the application of a meat substance helps reduce swelling and aids in the healing process, using a cold steak actually prolongs the recovery of the broken blood vessels which cause the black and blue marks around the eyes.
Further research has shown that the application shown in the Attached photo is most effective for helping eyes recover from the damage ---- it also helps the recipients general well being...
April 6, 2005
Submitted by Donna
Breaking News From Harley Davidson
Harley-Davidson
Is Proud to Be the First Motorcycle Manufacturer
To Offer
AIR
BAGS
As
Optional Equipment On The
2006 Harley-Davidson Motorcycles
Submitted by Debby D.
Dusty Underwear
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ?
?" he
said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
Submitted by Linnea
Kittens need homes
To all my dearest friends,
I need some help.
My cousin's cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 3 of them. I told him I would help him find homes for the last 3. I can't take one because my son is allergic but if three of you could take just one it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home. Since he lives up by the Lake Robinson Nuclear Power Plant, I'll go pick them up for you.
I've attached pictures of the last 3 kittens.
Will you help?
April 1, 2005
Submitted by Sharon
Why and How Come???
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it
isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife
told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
The Cat
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long,"
he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so
I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car........
Submitted by Amy
Girl's Night Out
Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now.
My wife came home last night without her panties.
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, " FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
Have a great weekend!!
Haircut for Meetings
Submitted by Debbie M.
Table for Sale (Look carefully)
Submitted by Donna
Benefits of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
[Unable to display image]
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
What is Easter?
Three blondes died and are up at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter. He says, "I have one question and if you get it I will let you in heaven."
He ask the first Blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "Oh that is the time of year when our family gets together and We all eat turkey."
St. Peter just shakes his head and says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"
She says, "Oh, that is the time of year when our family gets together and we all open presents and the fat jolly guy come down the chimney."
Again St. Peter shakes his head. He asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"
She says, Oh, that's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb and rolled a rock in front of it."
St. Peter smiles and urges, "Yes...go on.."
The blonde continues, "Then once a year we roll the stone away and he comes
out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."
Submitted by Linnea
Dear God from Dog
Dear God:
Why do humans smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the
same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the Jaguar, the Cougar, the
Mustang, the Colt, the Stingray, and the Rabbit, but not ONE named for a
dog? How often do you see a Cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice
ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler
Beagle'?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears
him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand
signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic
energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to
get in?
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?
Dear God: In Heaven, will I still have to take the blame for people's
farts?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must
remember to be a good dog:
1. I will not eat cat's food before they eat it or after they throw it
up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I
like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although
they are tasty, they are not food.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officers hand when he reaches in for Dad's
Driver's License and Registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the
toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of
saying 'hello.'
11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm laying under
the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across
the carpet.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living-room and lick my crotch
when company is over.
16. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Dear God: May I have my testicles back?
Farmer-Donkey Fun - Click Here
Submitted by SpicyMan Gil
Never Felt Better
AIDS
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Submitted by Debby D.
Why Men Shouldn't Answer...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes load groan)
WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."
WIFE: ---silence---
HUSBAND: "Shit."
Mis-direction
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now and you are allowed to send
emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see
that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Advice from Good 'ol Maxine
Submitted by Ruthie
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_0
1. CLICK ON THE LINK ABOVE
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"
ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't forget to click on "APRI"
Submitted by Alfredo
Why It's so difficult to Shop in other countries
