To those who are blessed to have lived with dogs....and those who have never had the pleasure...

DEAR DOGS:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
places with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine, and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me does not help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a King Size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggie sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to get the door open. I will exit the same door I entered. In
addition, I have been using the bathroom for years. Canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order of things is to kiss me, and then go and smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT. (and like to complain
about our pets).

1. The dogs live here-you don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dogs better than I like some people.

4. To you they are dogs, to me they are adopted children, who are short, hairy, walk on all fours, and don't speak clearly.

5. In some ways they are easier to care for than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups. The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you get to sleep.