~ Santa Is A Woman ~

  I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

 Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing,

 social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly

 pull it all off!

  For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about

 selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always

 seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and

 mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced

 Santa is a woman.

  Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up

 Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,

 still in the shopping bag.

  Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,

 there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and

 strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate

 claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would

 already be on the way to the taxidermist.

  Even if the male Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd also have the

 transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there

 in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

 Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

  - Men can't pack a bag.

  - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

  - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...

         having to be seen with all those elves.

  - Men don't answer their mail.

  - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described,

         even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."

  - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

  - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously

         inhibit their ability to pick up women.

  - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

  -I can buy the fact other mythical holiday characters are men:

 Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.

 Definite guy.

  Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

  Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

  Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening

 test.

  But not Santa!!!