Humor for December 15th, 2004

Submitted by Debbie M.:

Best T-Shirts on the Market!

 

Man of the House

The husband had just finished his book "Man of the House". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

 

Pointing a finger in her face he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I am finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director".

Submitted by Melody

Good 'ol Johnny

 

 A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.  The
 teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
 
 Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
 the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
 third-grade too!"
 
 The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.
 While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
 principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would
 give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
 to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.  Little Johnny
 was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
 take the test.
 
 Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
 
 Little Johnny: "9"
 
 Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
 
 Little Johnny: "36"
 
 And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
 should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
 Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."
 
 The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"   The
 principal and Little Johnny both agree.
 
 Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
 
 Little Johnny: "Legs"
 
 Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"  (The
 principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
 
 Little Johnny: "Pockets"
 
 Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
 
 Little Johnny: "Pants"
 
 Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
 and contains thin whitish liquid?"
 
 (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
 answer..)
 
 Little Johnny: "Coconut"
 
 Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
 
 Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"
 
 Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog
 do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
 could stop the answer...)
 
 Little Johnny: "Shake hands"
 
 Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
 
 Little Johnny: "Yup"
 
 Teacher: "You blow me, you feel good"
 
 Little Johnny: "Nose"
 
 Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"
 
 Little Johnny: "Arrow"
 
 Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
 excitement?"
 
 Little Johnny: "Firetruck"
 
 The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,  "Put his ass
 in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.²

Submitted by Donna
15 things a man can do at  Wal-Mart -- while his wife is taking her
   sweet time:

  1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when
       they aren't looking.

  2. Set all the  alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute
       intervals.

  3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

  4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code
       in Housewares' and see what happens.

  5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

  6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET  FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. Set up a tent in the Camping  Department -- and tell other shoppers
       you're sleeping  over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the
       Bedding Department.

  8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why
       can't you people just leave me alone?"

  9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your
       nose.

  10. While handling guns in the Hunting  Department, ask the clerk if he
       knows where the anti-depressants are.

  11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme
       from "Mission Impossible."

  12. In the Auto Department, practice your "Madonna look" using  different sized funnels.

  13. Hide in a  clothing rack  and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK  ME!!!"

  14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the  fetal
       position and scream, "NO!.. It's those voices again!!!"

  And last but not least:

  15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then Yell
       loudly: "There's no toilet  paper in  here!"

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