Subject: Office sarcasm


1.  Never give me work in the morning. Always wait
until 4:00 and then bring
it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2.  If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me
every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover
behind me, and advise
me at every keystroke.

3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you're
going.  It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or
supplies, don't open the
door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening
doors with no arms is good training in case I should
ever be injured and
lose all use of my limbs.

5.  If you give me more than one job to do,don't tell
me which is priority.
I am psychic.

6.  Do your best to keep me late.  I adore this office
and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond
work.

7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If
that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.

8.  If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like
my name to be popular
in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don't
write them down. In
fact, save them until the job is almost done.  There's
no use confusing me
with useful information.

10.  Never introduce me to the people you're with. I
have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.
When you refer to
them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11.  Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you
could really change
your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12.  Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what
my goals SHOULD have
been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
cost of living increase.
I'm not here for the money anyway.