March 2005 Archives
March 24, 2005
Submitted by Kip
Jackson Trial - People's exhibit #1
Submitted by Marcia
How The Easter Bunny Get his eggs - Click Here
Difficult things to say when you're drunk
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more drinks for me, I've reached my limit.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) Please take the shooters back; let's have water.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero
coordination.
i) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
j) Look, it would be nice to "do it" but I hardly know you and we will
only feel really embarrassed and awkward in the morning.
k) That guy is looking at my girlfriend but I am sure its just because
he knows her or something.
l) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try
balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.
m) I must get to my bed, as I could never have a really good sleep in
that hedge.
Take care of yourself...
Laughter Helps Blood Vessels Function Better
Using laughter-provoking movies to gauge the effect of emotions on
cardiovascular health, researchers have shown for the first time that
laughter is linked to healthy function of blood vessels. American College of Cardiology Annual Meeting
Submitted by Gayle
Happy Easter
Submitted by Eleanor
Sleepover
Life In America
Submitted by Linnea
Snoring
A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place."
Submitted by Gil
Get Me The Manager
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?"
she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."
She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.
"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
A little boy and his dad were walking down the street when they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father: "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father
says: "They are Making a puppy". So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says: "Daddy, what are you doing?" The father replies: "Making a baby". The little boy says: "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!"
Submitted by Donna
Bathing Suit
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
Submitted by Debby D.
Talking Clock
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big
brass gong next to the bed. "What's a big brass gong doing in your
bedroom?" one of the guests asked. It's not a gong. It's a talking
clock," the
drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished
friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked,
squinting at
it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an
ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole,
its three o'clock in the morning!"
Submitted by Killer
18th Birthday
Submitted by Jen W.
Kiss Me I'm Irish!
Nursing Home Police!
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on
the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic,
the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm
voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her
handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said,
and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out
in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug
into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold
nodded,and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped
out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. Oh, good
grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!" LMAO!!!!!
March 23, 2005
Submitted by John
Visit to the Vet
Three Dogs Talk
Three dogs are in the waiting room of a vets office. The first dog asked the second dog "What are you here for?"
"I crap and pee all over the house so I'm going to be put to sleep. What are you here for?" the second dog asked.
"Whenever my master is gone, I tear the house apart. I bite and chew on everything. I'm going to be put to sleep, too" replied the first dog.
The first two dogs look to the third dog and ask "What are you here for?"
"Well, one day my mistress was bent over vacuuming the floor and I just couldn't help myself and I humped her." said the third dog.
"They're going to put you to sleep for that!?" exclaimed the first two dogs.
"No! I'm just here to get my nails clipped."
Submitted by Walter
In America
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling) "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do," he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."
Submitted by Sharon
Ad Slogans
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.
nderstanding the benefits of having fun, the boss, told the burnt
out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that
they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other
products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations
were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their
suggestions and created a Top Ten List.
With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went
very well for everyone . .
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be!
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs!!!
Rainy Day Cheer-Up
Bill Gates' High School Address
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!
To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently
gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not
learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct
teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and
how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel
good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You
won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they
called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how
cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing
grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get
the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance
to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off
and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.
Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have
to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
March 15, 2005
Submitted by Gil (Spicy Man)
Husband Mart
Welcome to Husband Mart!
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Chicago where a woman may go
to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors,
and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the
flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you
may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:
"Floor 1 - These men have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to
herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's
further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids."
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further
up?" And up she goes again.
Third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's
upstairs?
The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking and help with the housework." "Wow!" exclaims the
woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she
heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak." "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further
on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this
floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband-Mart and
have a nice day."
Suing Budweiser
A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving t! hem lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat."
The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."
The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."
The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?"
The man says,
"Neither, I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with."
Priceless
Books for College = $4,500.00 per Year
Used Car to Send her off to School = $10,000.00
Harvard Education = $29,900.00 per Year
SENDING MOM AND DAD HOME A PHOTO OF YOU
AND YOUR NEW FRIENDS = PRICELE$$
STILL DON'T SEE IT? LOOK OVER THE
SHOULDER OF THE GIRL ON YOUR LEFT
Submitted by Jen W.
Top 10 Rejected Greeting Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the
thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless,
one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes
that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it
wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now
I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love
has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished
you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right
to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you
should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Submitted by Debby D.
A very Short Joke
A three year old little boy was examining his
testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked,
"Are these my brains?"
Mama answered,"Not yet."
Submitted by Ruthie
Janet
Submitted by Marcia
CT Wives
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning.
He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and
the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day
it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were
done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Connecticut girl. He boasted that he told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said
the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye....Enough to fix himself a bite to eat,
load the dishwasher and use the telephone to hire a landscaper.
Got to love those Connecticut Girls.
March 8, 2005
Submitted by Sharon
The way kids see things
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a young woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Ten Great Moments in Sports
Submitted by Ender
March 7, 2005
Submitted by John
Teacher's Pet
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten
teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's
son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead,
and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."
"That's right." the boy said. "But how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The
teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet
I can guess what it is. A box of candy."
"That's right. But how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.
The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.
She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and
touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop
of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring,
"I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Submitted by Ender
Is this really necessary or am I not alone in thinking this country’s getting out of hand?
Submitted by VJ
Submitted by Mike
Troubled User
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon
noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife
1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all
other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and
Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my favorite pplications. I'm thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please
help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that
it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to
return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge
the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed
to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0
and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the
background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as
Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use
will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this
happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds
5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Submitted by Marcia
What Shall I wear to Court?
Submitted by Linnea
Proper Pooping
HOW TO POOP AT WORK (OR OTHER PUBLIC FACILITY)
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a Poop Dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS:
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED:
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Submitted by Ruthie
you can always tell a perfect gynecologist just by looking at his hands...
Submitted by Jen W.
THE ANNUAL SMACK THE
PENGUIN GAME IS HERE!
1. Click on the link below.
2. Click once on the snowman.
3. Click once on the snowman to hit the penguin as he descends
from the cliff.
4. What's your distance?
http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
Have you ever seen a Bride's dress like this????????
Submitted by Amy
Collaborative Art Project
This is the most amazing collaborative graphic art project. You'll see a strip of text and instructions to click on the bottom......Then there is a scene. Click and drag upward very slowly and you'll move forward.
Drag down and you'll move back. This is a loop so you will eventually end up back where you started. About the 3rd time through you'll want to stop very frequently to take a good look. Absolutely Amazing. please give it some time to load.........
http://www.eviltree.de/zoomquilt/zoom.htm
A Wal-Mart Story
A middle aged woman went to Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she
wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells
her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming:
"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd
of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a
refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up
in the air and starts screaming:
"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES"
And doing so draws an even more of a crowd! In shock the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman replies.....
" BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
Submitted by Debby D.
You are a South African bush pilot.
You fly in some critical medical supplies, enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.
It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager
to get back up to the cool, high blue yonder.
On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade,
within 10 miles, has become very popular . . .
You start calculating the distance to the plane door,
and wonder . . . "Do I feel lucky today?"
Submitted by Gil
No Longer Privates
Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we's privates," protests Jasper.
"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
Creation Story
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Thought for the day .....
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
March 2, 2005 ~ For YOU BRENDAN!!!! ** And how does this format suit you??? **
Submitted by Sharon
Blonde Men Do Exist
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun
and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only
wearing your gun, hat and boots?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down
the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her
motor home with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her
top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off
her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did. Then she
pulls off Her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now
go to town cowboy... "
And, here I am."
See.... Blonde Men do exist
Why Men Shouldn't Take Messages
Submitted by Eleanor
To help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...
Diet Snapple
16 oz $1.29 ......... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea
16 oz
$1.19
............$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade
20 oz
$1.59 ...... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray
16 oz
$1.25 . $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid
12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon
Vick's
Nyquil
6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol
4 oz
$3.85 ..... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout
7 oz $1.39 ......... .. $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1..5 oz $0.99 .......$84.48 per gallon
Submitted by Melinda
When Men Take the Kids
Two Test Tickles
There is a factory in America which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports
for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a
knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to
rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow,
putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager
decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the
factory floor.
When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to
pile up. At the end
of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of
small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into
laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
Police Lines
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
3.Aren' t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee ..Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Ever Wonder?
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a songabout him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on.........
1. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out
the wndow?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrivefaster?
18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
19. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first
place?
LIVE WELL...LAUGH OFTEN!
Submitted by VJ
Submitted by Fabiola
AND THIS YEARS HUSBAND OF THE YEAR AWARDS GO TO -----
3rd
Place goes to: Albania
2nd Place goes to: Serbia
and the winner of the man of the year is: Ireland
At least he's holding her hand