One Star Hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively

well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still

feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover **

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you

have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is

only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the

fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some

definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover ***

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not

productive. Anytime a girl walks by, you gag because her perfume reminds

you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to

drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed

watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3

iced teas and a diet Coke-yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover ****

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else

you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and

has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but

that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For

the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the

bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair

hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five

craps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who

enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the

employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every

pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the

corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the

remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to

generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the

foggiest idea who the heck the stranger was passed out in your bed this

morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose-like discharge

of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole

purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all

over your butt. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks,but I don't want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening, officer! Isn't it lovely out tonight?