May 2005 Archives

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May 19, 2005

Submitted by Ruthie

Two Fleas

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do.  Go to the New Jersey airport bar.  Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess.  Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy.  It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by.....  When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.  The second flea says, "Didn't you
try what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said.  I went to the New Jersey airport bar.  I had a few drinks.  Finally, this nice young stewardess came in.  I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot.  It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I
was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

 

Submitted by Jen W.

The Wedding

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
    
A week later Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

    
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
 
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
    
She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

 

Submitted by Gil

Little Mary

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
 
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that!
 
I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!". She then sat down.
 
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
 
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
 
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody? "Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
 
"Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy.", then turned to Mary and continued,
 
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
 
Firstly, you have a dirty mind.
 
Secondly, you didn't read your homework.
 
And thirdly, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!"

 

The Hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
 
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
 
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
 
"You're joking!" was the response.
 
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
 
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
 
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
 
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
 
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
 
"Can you do two for me now?"
 
"Sure, what do you want?"
 
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
 
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
 
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
 
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
 
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

 

Submitted by Melinda

True Love

 

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a  chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

 

  "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's  probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.  I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets   angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

 

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.  I love you, too.

 

Submitted by Donna

Life's little ironies

 

Submitted by Marcia

Changes with the new Pope

May 13, 2005

Submitted by Sharon

Bartenders Psychology:

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's

personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they

concurred on almost all counts.

 

The results:

 

Drink: Beer

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

 

Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

 

Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste;

knows EXACTLY what she wants.

Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll

send YOU a drink..................

 

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)

Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with

friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she

has NO clue.

Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy

target.

Drink: Shots

Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get

totally drunk... and naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to

do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

 

Drink: Tequila

No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

 

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----

 

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

 

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

 

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

 

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to

help him get laid.

 

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

 

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

 

Women Without Supervision

 

Submitted by Susan

NEW WORDS FOR 2005.

1. BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3 ASSMOSIS:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end

5. CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY:A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10 SWIPEOUT:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. (For those in Toronto, it's also Hwy 404... destination can not be located.)

16. CROP DUSTING:
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.

17. OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

18. WOOFS:
Well-Off Older Folks 

 

Submitted by Gil (Spicy Man!)

Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert.  After they had set up their tent, they laid down for a restful night.  After a few hours, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion.  "Tonto, look up in the sky and tell me what you see."  Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars."  The Lone Ranger asked "What does that tell you?"  Tonto pondered the question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise, it apears to be approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorlogically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you Kemosabi?"  The Lone Ranger stared silently at his friend for a moment, then said, "Tonto, you idiot! It means someone has stolen our tent!" 

 

Early Retirement

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
 
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for her to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
 
Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...
 
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
 
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
 
I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...
 
And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...
 
Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...
 
Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.
 
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.  For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
 
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
 
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.
 
I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
 
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support her. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older.
 

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

EDITOR'S NOTE: He died suddenly Thursday, June 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his rectum with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife was arrested, but the Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it and she was released on Friday, June 4.

 

Submitted by Killer

NEW Harley for the Married Man

 

Submitted by Donna

Who's Your  Daddy?
When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to  do is to find out who  the father is and see why he is  not providing support.

The following are all replies that Dallas women have  written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for  listing  father putting in excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check outnumber 11. It takes the prize and 3 is runner up.

1. Regarding  the identity of the father of my
twins, child A was fathered by Jim  Munson. I am unsure as to the
identity of the father of child B,  but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am  unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick  out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I  can provide you  with a list of names of men that I think  were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the  father of my
little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue  where I had unprotected sex with a man I met  that night. I do  remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do  manage  to track down the father, can you send me his phone  number?
Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of  my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in  one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations  in
this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never  had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from  the Pope confirming that my
son's conception was immaculate and that he  is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's  dad as
he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would  have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between  doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advise.

7.  I do not know who the father of my child was as
all blacks look  the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is  the father of child A. If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what  he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned
at the same  time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my  daughter was
conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the  Magic  Kingdom.

10. So  much about that night is a blur. The only
thing that I remember for sure  is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd  have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to
the party at  146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized

11. I  am unsure as to the identity of the father of
my baby, after  all when  you eat a can of beans you can't be sure
which one made  you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right. You are all paying taxes
to  support these dim bulbs...
 

Submitted by Debby D.

Better than Welfare!

 

A guy   walks into the local welfare office for his Monthly  check. He marches straight up to the counter and   says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing   welfare month after month. I'd really much rather   have a job".

The  social worker behind the counter says, "Your Timing   is excellent. We just got a job opening from A very  wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur-bodyguard   for his nymphomaniac daughter.  You'll   have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he 'l l   supply all of your clothes. Because of the long   hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.   You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the Garage.   The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy   says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The   social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started  it."

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