A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he
looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla
Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be
over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going
to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the
roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the
roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is
trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He
hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME
off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Avon Lady

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart.
 

She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine-Scented deodorizer.
  
Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
  
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
  
"What does it smell like?"
  
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree."

Submitted by Debby D.:

No Vacation

I decided that I needed a few days off but
realized that I had no vacation, personal or
sick leave left, so I figured the best way to
get the Boss to send me home was to act
a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was "burning out"
and would give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and
began hanging upside down from the ceiling.
Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde.
it'll be important later) came in and asked me
what I'm doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days
off. I'm acting like a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked
me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few
days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking
out. My blonde coworker started following me.
The Boss stopped her and asked where she
was going......

She said; "Home. "I can't work in the dark."

Submitted by Linnea

Computer Dating

Cyrus SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!

Submitted by Melody

Something to offend everyone

    SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE - PART I
      1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
      Juan-on-Juan.
      2. What is a Yankee?
      The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
      3. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
      The position of the dirt bag.
      4. Why is divorce so expensive?
      Because it's worth it.
      5. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
      One US leader.
      6. What do you see when the Pillsbury-Dough-Boy bends over?
      Doughnuts.
      7. Why is air a lot like sex?
      Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
      8. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
    ;   Because Janet Reno is her real father.
      9. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a
    room together?
      100 people who don't do dick.
      **************************
  
      SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE - PART II (I WAS JUST WARMING UP!)
      1. What do you call a smart blonde?
      A golden retriever.
      2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
      Their personalities.
      3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
      About 45 lbs.
      4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
      About 45 minutes.
      5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
      None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
      6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
      Through hi s chest with a sharp knife.
      7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
      They can't stand criticism.
      8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
    and good-looking?
      Because those men already have boyfriends.
      9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
      After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
      10. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
      For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
      11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who
    has the biggest boobs?
      The blonde, because she's 18.
      12. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
      Because they have cotton balls.
      13. What's the difference between a porcupine and B MW?
      A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
      14. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
      "Are you sure it's mine?"
      15. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
      Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
      16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
      Mace will do that to you.
      17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
      Everyone has the same DNA.
      18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
      Breasts don't have eyes.
      9. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
      He walks around saying "Yo."
      20. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car
    only
      on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
      Because on Tuesday and Thur sday, the sex ed class uses it.
      ************************
  
      SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE - PART III (Just Great Stuff)
      1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
      "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
      2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
      A different bar.
      3. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than
    the other?
      A speech impediment
      4. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
    half-mast?
      They're hiring.
      7. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
      A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
    cage along with... "A recipe".
      8. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
      Get another sw eet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
      9. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
    fairytale?
      A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
    begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sheat..."
      10. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
      No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
      11. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men
    chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it
    the PGA TOUR.

Submitted by Marcia

Where's the Turkey?

Click here: The eBay Song